So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize