im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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