I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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