Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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