last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
