My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
