and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
