He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
