When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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