Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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