dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
