Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
