This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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