Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
