I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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