I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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