Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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