you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
