And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
