Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just invented taco cereal.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
