Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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