I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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