@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
