i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
