I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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