So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
