I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
