I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
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We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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