so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
