I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
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just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How does one acquire holy water?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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