She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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