Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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