He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
