So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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