Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
