btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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