it wasn't lemon gatorade
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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