He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
