3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
