If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
