dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
