Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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