Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
