there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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