I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
