My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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