So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
