While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
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I smell like gasoline and adventure.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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