Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
