I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
God I need to hump something, right now.
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