this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I did not marry a roomba.
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