Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
