The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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