it was like his penis was on wheels.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
