At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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