fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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