I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
