It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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