one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
