I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
