I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
