if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You are the jesus of drinking
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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