Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
