Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
