whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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