honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
