dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
