Just took my morning after pill in the library
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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