Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
